This week we discuss: Quidditch rules and why they suck; the apparent dearth of Hogwarts theft; Cedric Diggory, Nice Guy TM; Percy Weasley is a security risk; Draco’s Muggle jokes and whether or not that proves fanfic right; Harry discovers girls and is immediately cockblocked; THE WORST QUIDDITCH GAME FOR SEXUAL PUNS MY GOD; by…
Tag: Hermione Granger
Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban, Ch. 12: A Salamander Patronus for Our Lord
This week we discuss: Ron Weasley, douche extraordinaire; Harry’s jerking phallic broom; why we’re pretty sure Hermione had other friends; Oliver Wood defines hubris; salamanders both live in burning fire and symbolize (once again) Our Lord, somehow; Paracelsus’s undies; sloths, manatees, coats of arms and Internet Jesus; no one but Hermione learns; the minutiae of boggart…
Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban, Ch. 11: Your Honor, I present this piglet as witness for the defense
This week, we discuss: Harry’s angst puzzle; Hermione really doesn’t know him at all; NO ONE IS GOING TO KILL ANYONE OKAY; Evil Hermione; dead family guilt trips; the need for Pensieves in law enforcement; world-building and violating continuity by way of The Last Jedi; damn the man; the flobberworms asked for none of this; does anyone ever leave Azkaban?; medieval animal trials and executions; how to serve eviction…
Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban, Ch. 10: Monologuing or it didn’t happen
This week, we discuss: whether or not God has a penis and why he’s into circumcision; Jesus the perfect party guest; let’s all seduce Oliver Wood; teen embarrassment and legit reasons to be depressed; please boss us around, Emma Watson; flavorful souls and tasty Muggles; dementors are functioning alcoholics; the Ministry is made of stupid; Sirius’s muscles are made of no freaking way; without…
Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban, Chapter 9: 394 Shades of Hinkypunk Hanky-Panky
This week, we discuss: life as a background Everyone Else at Hogwarts; insensitive Cher songs; trying to figure out how Head Boy and Girl work; hillbilly high school; inter-House hanky-panky and Percy the Boner-Killer; how portraits work; Dumbledore is not having any of it; Percy’s tragic handicap; cowardly portrait guardians; the world is ending so let’s play…
Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban, Ch. 7: Ottaline Gambol is the boggart’s boggart
This week, we discuss: Malfoy’s glittering future soccer career; tiny boners and skinned shrivelfigs; dreary shipping; HOLD THE FUCKING PHONE WE FOUND OTTALINE GAMBOL; who needs academic excellence?; arguing pedagogy with Snape and Lupin; foreshadowing Umbridge; the utter uselessness of waddiwasi; nobody wants to sit with Snape; pookas, boggarts, and tiny moist hands; the lasting…
Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban, Ch. 6: Horoscopes and hippogriffs know no personal boundaries
This week we discuss: awesome alliteration; pretty pug Pansy Parkinson; how exactly Hermione planned to pull this off; academic excellence despite physics; emotional labor with Ron/Hermione and Harry/Ginny; large schools hate signs; Sir Cadogan and King Pellinore; Divination is clearly the worst to come; tasseography, apophenia and pareidolia; Helena Blavatsky and the paradox of Seers; Neville and the Macbeth effect; Hermione has no patience for this…
Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban, Ch. 5: Just keep the eldritch horrors out of my backyard, thanks
This week we discuss: inappropriate Weasleys; Hermione & Ginny 4LYFE; the fact that Hermione clearly has WAY more friends than either of the boys; putting up with bad male behavior; mansplaining with Percy Weasley; Arthur Weasley, Ministry rebel; real live adult supervision; Hermione-Sherlock fanfic; misdirection with Sneakoscopes and Scabbers; R.J. Lupin; Crookshanks knows what’s up; the fictional “driver”; weak Malfoy burns; no one in this book remembers they have…
Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban, Ch. 4: This will go much smoother if you’ve read the book already, dear
This week, we discuss: isolating Harry; the Diagon Alley of our dreams; Old Mother Hubbard, meet Hannibal Lecter; the gloriously fun history of hags; do not fuck with Baba Yaga; diabetes does not exist in the wizarding world; Harry Potter and the Responsibly Spent Budget; do these people know they have magic?; unfogging the future with Cassandra;…
Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban, Ch. 1-3: Mistresses Margery and Dolores’s Institute for Badly Trained Bulldogs and Children To Be Punished
This week we discuss: things Harry Potter is or is not; why flatworms are flat; revisionist witch burnings and whether or not Wendelin the Weird was actually helping; poverty-shaming the Weasleys; that OTHER Valley of the Kings; Hagrid’s biting book; Harry repeatedly misses the obvious; Aunt Marge and The Bachelorette go Nazi; why white people don’t get to use the N-word; man buns are proof…
Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets, Ch. 18: A multitude of redeemed Lazari and a hailstorm of Ottaline Gambols
This week, we discuss the symbolic value of Harry’s blood sacrifice as presented to Dumbledore; prefects’ special visitation privileges; a distressing look at Hogwarts security loopholes; what the adults in this book have in common with Charlie Swan; Dumbledore’s forgiveness of Ginny’s sins by virtue of Harry’s noble sacrifice (oh come on, you know we were going there); more proof…
Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets, Ch. 13-14: Won’t Someone Think of the Children (Seriously, no one here will)??
This week, we discuss: Professor Creed’s ass; Wizarding World’s Most Beautiful People; Moaning Myrtle’s parents; the curse of a usual toilet; never trust a book; Ron Weasley is always right; invisible ink and powerful writing; Lockhart attempts cross-curricular instruction; what singing telegrams your Professors would choose for each other; demeaning roles for little people; classist…
