Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban, Ch. 10: Monologuing or it didn’t happen

This week, we discuss: whether or not God has a penis and why he’s into circumcision; Jesus the perfect party guest; let’s all seduce Oliver Wood; teen embarrassment and legit reasons to be depressed; please boss us around, Emma Watson; flavorful souls and tasty Muggles; dementors are functioning alcoholics; the Ministry is made of stupid; Sirius’s muscles are made of no freaking way; without…

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban, Ch. 8: Kappa Dat Ass Up

This week, we discuss: supervillain Draco; murderous, malevolent goblins; that’s not how teeth or lead work; abnormally polite rapist monsters; soul-seeking among the bowels; big butts and soul power; stanning for drunk Trelawney; flobberworms; manic Oliver Wood; unfailingly on-point Ron; WE LOVE CROOKSHANKS; Hermione’s inability to back down and Harry’s inability to step up; good Harry hair; Percysplaining; wizards hate social structures; the unexpectedness of honest adults; smoking goblets and buried hatchets; multicolored…

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban, Ch. 6: Horoscopes and hippogriffs know no personal boundaries

This week we discuss: awesome alliteration; pretty pug Pansy Parkinson; how exactly Hermione planned to pull this off; academic excellence despite physics; emotional labor with Ron/Hermione and Harry/Ginny; large schools hate signs; Sir Cadogan and King Pellinore; Divination is clearly the worst to come; tasseography, apophenia and pareidolia; Helena Blavatsky and the paradox of Seers; Neville and the Macbeth effect; Hermione has no patience for this…

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban, Ch. 5: Just keep the eldritch horrors out of my backyard, thanks

This week we discuss: inappropriate Weasleys; Hermione & Ginny 4LYFE; the fact that Hermione clearly has WAY more friends than either of the boys; putting up with bad male behavior; mansplaining with Percy Weasley; Arthur Weasley, Ministry rebel; real live adult supervision; Hermione-Sherlock fanfic; misdirection with Sneakoscopes and Scabbers; R.J. Lupin; Crookshanks knows what’s up; the fictional “driver”; weak Malfoy burns; no one in this book remembers they have…

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban, Ch. 1-3: Mistresses Margery and Dolores’s Institute for Badly Trained Bulldogs and Children To Be Punished

This week we discuss: things Harry Potter is or is not; why flatworms are flat; revisionist witch burnings and whether or not Wendelin the Weird was actually helping; poverty-shaming the Weasleys; that OTHER Valley of the Kings; Hagrid’s biting book; Harry repeatedly misses the obvious; Aunt Marge and The Bachelorette go Nazi; why white people don’t get to use the N-word; man buns are proof…