Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban, Ch. 12: A Salamander Patronus for Our Lord

This week we discuss: Ron Weasley, douche extraordinaire; Harry’s jerking phallic broom; why we’re pretty sure Hermione had other friends; Oliver Wood defines hubris; salamanders both live in burning fire and symbolize (once again) Our Lord, somehow; Paracelsus’s undies; sloths, manatees, coats of arms and Internet Jesus; no one but Hermione learns; the minutiae of boggart…

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban, Ch. 8: Kappa Dat Ass Up

This week, we discuss: supervillain Draco; murderous, malevolent goblins; that’s not how teeth or lead work; abnormally polite rapist monsters; soul-seeking among the bowels; big butts and soul power; stanning for drunk Trelawney; flobberworms; manic Oliver Wood; unfailingly on-point Ron; WE LOVE CROOKSHANKS; Hermione’s inability to back down and Harry’s inability to step up; good Harry hair; Percysplaining; wizards hate social structures; the unexpectedness of honest adults; smoking goblets and buried hatchets; multicolored…

Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets, Ch. 11-12: Ten points to House Hufflepun!

This week, we discuss: poor misdirected Ginny; magical hucksters; new and improved criminal Hermione; bad swelling puns; What the Fuck, Hogwarts?; Dueling Clubs are useless; no one in this school did any student teaching; pointless spell fights; Snape is a dick; Lockhart’s overexcited wand; even more bad penis puns; the etymology of Parseltongue; the return…

Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone, Ch. 15: Come on, you KNOW you thought about it

This week, we discuss: more monomyth; disapproving McGonagall; positive social policing; What the Fuck, Hogwarts?!: After Hours edition; sexy My Little Ponies; virgins LOVE THEM SOME UNICORNS; magical boobs; poorly conceived Jesus metaphors; stop killing animals for their phallus parts; Apollonian vs. Dionysian philosophy and rituals; what Pentecostals and Dionysian ritual madness might have in common; why…