Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets, Ch. 17: Thus the Lord cast out Satan, the Great Armadillo, and we all cried out for more rum

This week on Advanced Muggle Studies, we discuss: Salazar Slytherin, the snake-fetish Zorro; differences in Chamber set design; enter Tom “Blofeld” Riddle; THE BIG REVEAL; sociopathic memories; dangerous toddlers; ironic narcissistic racism is ironic; and then the murders began; Tom Riddle sucks at anagrams; douchey school nicknames; Harry drops all the mics; useful plot information;…

Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets, Ch. 11-12: Ten points to House Hufflepun!

This week, we discuss: poor misdirected Ginny; magical hucksters; new and improved criminal Hermione; bad swelling puns; What the Fuck, Hogwarts?; Dueling Clubs are useless; no one in this school did any student teaching; pointless spell fights; Snape is a dick; Lockhart’s overexcited wand; even more bad penis puns; the etymology of Parseltongue; the return…

Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets, Ch. 6-7: Common sense dictates a 20-week mandrake ban until women stop sinning with their butts

This week, we discuss: the social leverage of Howlers; Gilderoy Lockhart’s narcissism; Google already knows what you’re thinking; The Matrix dude fantasies; mandrakes and sexual commerce in the Bible; hallucinogenic coincidences; anatomically correct root vegetables; the doctrine of signatures; keep the dog, lose the mandrake; posh Justin Finch-Fletchley; Republican wizards and the 20-day mandrake waiting…

Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets, Ch. 4-5: Still a better book than Twilight

This week, we discuss: awkward crushes; our favorite Lockhart books; the Hogwarts prefect at home; we’re pretty sure someone is Neville Chamberlain; how many bacon sandwiches does it take, really?; linguistic puns; Dan’s accent is broken; fabulous Lucius Malfoy; Drarry fanfic; what exactly is in Lucius’s basement; wizard race porn; adventures in sex shops; the…

Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone, Ch. 15: Come on, you KNOW you thought about it

This week, we discuss: more monomyth; disapproving McGonagall; positive social policing; What the Fuck, Hogwarts?!: After Hours edition; sexy My Little Ponies; virgins LOVE THEM SOME UNICORNS; magical boobs; poorly conceived Jesus metaphors; stop killing animals for their phallus parts; Apollonian vs. Dionysian philosophy and rituals; what Pentecostals and Dionysian ritual madness might have in common; why…

Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone, Ch. 11-12: That’s What She Erised

This week, we discuss: Quidditch-induced ball bruising; Snape/Filch slashfic; Lee Jordan for President; never tell Hagrid a secret; Voldemort’s eternal grudge against the Weasleys; holiday wish fulfillment; shagging in the Restricted Section; Hermione saves the world one piece of chocolate at a time; the logic of giving children priceless and powerful objects; why Dumbledore would…

Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone, Ch. 9-10: We earn every letter of NSFW

Welcome back to Advanced Muggle Studies! This episode, we discuss: obsession with surnames; why witches fly on brooms; why ONLY witches fly on brooms; lady ointment and phallic symbols; sanitizing and co-opting feminist history; What the Fuck, Hogwarts?; Oliver Wood is a hottie; Star Wars and toxic masculinity; what your Quidditch position says about YOU; why…

Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone Ch. 6-8: It’s all “Purebloods First” until someone gets a fart trumpet

In this episode, we discuss: Platform 9 3/4, nice Weasleys, portrait boogers, boss Hermione, the four humours, the four Houses, diversity in the Sorting system, why Republicans and Slytherins should compare notes, how Confederate flags lead to Voldemort, Hufflepuff is judging you, racist pie and magical algorithms, the Michael Jackson of the Wizarding world, Harry’s…