Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban, Ch. 8: Kappa Dat Ass Up

This week, we discuss: supervillain Draco; murderous, malevolent goblins; that’s not how teeth or lead work; abnormally polite rapist monsters; soul-seeking among the bowels; big butts and soul power; stanning for drunk Trelawney; flobberworms; manic Oliver Wood; unfailingly on-point Ron; WE LOVE CROOKSHANKS; Hermione’s inability to back down and Harry’s inability to step up; good Harry hair; Percysplaining; wizards hate social structures; the unexpectedness of honest adults; smoking goblets and buried hatchets; multicolored…

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban, Ch. 6: Horoscopes and hippogriffs know no personal boundaries

This week we discuss: awesome alliteration; pretty pug Pansy Parkinson; how exactly Hermione planned to pull this off; academic excellence despite physics; emotional labor with Ron/Hermione and Harry/Ginny; large schools hate signs; Sir Cadogan and King Pellinore; Divination is clearly the worst to come; tasseography, apophenia and pareidolia; Helena Blavatsky and the paradox of Seers; Neville and the Macbeth effect; Hermione has no patience for this…

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban, Ch. 5: Just keep the eldritch horrors out of my backyard, thanks

This week we discuss: inappropriate Weasleys; Hermione & Ginny 4LYFE; the fact that Hermione clearly has WAY more friends than either of the boys; putting up with bad male behavior; mansplaining with Percy Weasley; Arthur Weasley, Ministry rebel; real live adult supervision; Hermione-Sherlock fanfic; misdirection with Sneakoscopes and Scabbers; R.J. Lupin; Crookshanks knows what’s up; the fictional “driver”; weak Malfoy burns; no one in this book remembers they have…

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban, Ch. 1-3: Mistresses Margery and Dolores’s Institute for Badly Trained Bulldogs and Children To Be Punished

This week we discuss: things Harry Potter is or is not; why flatworms are flat; revisionist witch burnings and whether or not Wendelin the Weird was actually helping; poverty-shaming the Weasleys; that OTHER Valley of the Kings; Hagrid’s biting book; Harry repeatedly misses the obvious; Aunt Marge and The Bachelorette go Nazi; why white people don’t get to use the N-word; man buns are proof…

Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets, Ch. 18: A multitude of redeemed Lazari and a hailstorm of Ottaline Gambols

This week, we discuss the symbolic value of Harry’s blood sacrifice as presented to Dumbledore; prefects’ special visitation privileges; a distressing look at Hogwarts security loopholes; what the adults in this book have in common with Charlie Swan; Dumbledore’s forgiveness of Ginny’s sins by virtue of Harry’s noble sacrifice (oh come on, you know we were going there); more proof…

Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets, Ch. 17: Thus the Lord cast out Satan, the Great Armadillo, and we all cried out for more rum

This week on Advanced Muggle Studies, we discuss: Salazar Slytherin, the snake-fetish Zorro; differences in Chamber set design; enter Tom “Blofeld” Riddle; THE BIG REVEAL; sociopathic memories; dangerous toddlers; ironic narcissistic racism is ironic; and then the murders began; Tom Riddle sucks at anagrams; douchey school nicknames; Harry drops all the mics; useful plot information;…

Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets, Ch. 16: All hail the reigning Weasel of God!

This week we discuss: Oliver Wood’s priorities; we need to discuss phrasing; smarmy Lockhart and softie McGonagall; Hermione Granger saves lives; Hogwarts civic planning must be magic; the history of the basilisk; cockatrices and cock eggs; the strangely powerful weasel; the Superman effect on the Voldemort of the Wizarding world; the complicated history of snakes,…

Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets, Ch. 13-14: Won’t Someone Think of the Children (Seriously, no one here will)??

This week, we discuss: Professor Creed’s ass; Wizarding World’s Most Beautiful People; Moaning Myrtle’s parents; the curse of a usual toilet; never trust a book; Ron Weasley is always right; invisible ink and powerful writing; Lockhart attempts cross-curricular instruction; what singing telegrams your Professors would choose for each other; demeaning roles for little people; classist…

Bonus Episode: Wizarding World of Harry Potter

In this short bonus episode, Professor Creed shares her thoughts about her recent visit to the Wizarding World of Harry Potter in Orlando, Florida. Check it out if you’re interested! (But do note that Professor Creed is not the type to bubble over effusively about anything but Star Wars, so keep that in perspective.)

Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets, Ch. 11-12: Ten points to House Hufflepun!

This week, we discuss: poor misdirected Ginny; magical hucksters; new and improved criminal Hermione; bad swelling puns; What the Fuck, Hogwarts?; Dueling Clubs are useless; no one in this school did any student teaching; pointless spell fights; Snape is a dick; Lockhart’s overexcited wand; even more bad penis puns; the etymology of Parseltongue; the return…