Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban, Ch. 12: A Salamander Patronus for Our Lord

This week we discuss: Ron Weasley, douche extraordinaire; Harry’s jerking phallic broom; why we’re pretty sure Hermione had other friends; Oliver Wood defines hubris; salamanders both live in burning fire and symbolize (once again) Our Lord, somehow; Paracelsus’s undies; sloths, manatees, coats of arms and Internet Jesus; no one but Hermione learns; the minutiae of boggart…

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban, Ch. 11: Your Honor, I present this piglet as witness for the defense

This week, we discuss: Harry’s angst puzzle; Hermione really doesn’t know him at all; NO ONE IS GOING TO KILL ANYONE OKAY; Evil Hermione; dead family guilt trips; the need for Pensieves in law enforcement; world-building and violating continuity by way of The Last Jedi; damn the man; the flobberworms asked for none of this; does anyone ever leave Azkaban?; medieval animal trials and executions; how to serve eviction…

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban, Ch. 10: Monologuing or it didn’t happen

This week, we discuss: whether or not God has a penis and why he’s into circumcision; Jesus the perfect party guest; let’s all seduce Oliver Wood; teen embarrassment and legit reasons to be depressed; please boss us around, Emma Watson; flavorful souls and tasty Muggles; dementors are functioning alcoholics; the Ministry is made of stupid; Sirius’s muscles are made of no freaking way; without…

Droid, Please! Episode 1: The Last Jedi

Your Professors don their Jedi Master robes for our first official episode of Droid, Please!, our running Star Wars project. And what better place to start than with an exhaustive (not really) discussion of the latest Star Wars installment, Episode VIII: The Last Jedi? We couldn’t think of a better place, either. Discussion Part 1:…

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban, Ch. 8: Kappa Dat Ass Up

This week, we discuss: supervillain Draco; murderous, malevolent goblins; that’s not how teeth or lead work; abnormally polite rapist monsters; soul-seeking among the bowels; big butts and soul power; stanning for drunk Trelawney; flobberworms; manic Oliver Wood; unfailingly on-point Ron; WE LOVE CROOKSHANKS; Hermione’s inability to back down and Harry’s inability to step up; good Harry hair; Percysplaining; wizards hate social structures; the unexpectedness of honest adults; smoking goblets and buried hatchets; multicolored…

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban, Ch. 6: Horoscopes and hippogriffs know no personal boundaries

This week we discuss: awesome alliteration; pretty pug Pansy Parkinson; how exactly Hermione planned to pull this off; academic excellence despite physics; emotional labor with Ron/Hermione and Harry/Ginny; large schools hate signs; Sir Cadogan and King Pellinore; Divination is clearly the worst to come; tasseography, apophenia and pareidolia; Helena Blavatsky and the paradox of Seers; Neville and the Macbeth effect; Hermione has no patience for this…

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban, Ch. 5: Just keep the eldritch horrors out of my backyard, thanks

This week we discuss: inappropriate Weasleys; Hermione & Ginny 4LYFE; the fact that Hermione clearly has WAY more friends than either of the boys; putting up with bad male behavior; mansplaining with Percy Weasley; Arthur Weasley, Ministry rebel; real live adult supervision; Hermione-Sherlock fanfic; misdirection with Sneakoscopes and Scabbers; R.J. Lupin; Crookshanks knows what’s up; the fictional “driver”; weak Malfoy burns; no one in this book remembers they have…

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban, Ch. 1-3: Mistresses Margery and Dolores’s Institute for Badly Trained Bulldogs and Children To Be Punished

This week we discuss: things Harry Potter is or is not; why flatworms are flat; revisionist witch burnings and whether or not Wendelin the Weird was actually helping; poverty-shaming the Weasleys; that OTHER Valley of the Kings; Hagrid’s biting book; Harry repeatedly misses the obvious; Aunt Marge and The Bachelorette go Nazi; why white people don’t get to use the N-word; man buns are proof…