Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets, Ch. 8-10: The Great Hermione-Riddle Flatter-Off

  This week, we discuss: why Pepperup Potion makes wizarding secrecy unforgivable; the Ghost Post; the souls of parchment; Sir Nicholas’s unfortunate history with teeth; the aptly named Argus Filch; things we learned from Jonathan Franzen; Filch’s bondage fetish; wizarding informercials; Austin Powers and magical erectile dysfunction; why Squibs matter; the prejudice book; what Nearly…

Drunk Potterwatch: Fantastic Beasts and Where To Find Them

In our second Drunk Potterwatch, your Professors tackle Fantastic Beasts and Where To Find Them. Join us as we squeak every time a Niffler appears, and discuss costumes, Eddie Redmayne’s face, Tina’s missing balls, whether or not Ezra Miller is handsome, inbred No-Majs, Neil Gorsuch Shaw and Fox News, magical umbrellas, Newt and Hagrid BFFs, magical creature trafficking,…

Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets, Ch. 6-7: Common sense dictates a 20-week mandrake ban until women stop sinning with their butts

This week, we discuss: the social leverage of Howlers; Gilderoy Lockhart’s narcissism; Google already knows what you’re thinking; The Matrix dude fantasies; mandrakes and sexual commerce in the Bible; hallucinogenic coincidences; anatomically correct root vegetables; the doctrine of signatures; keep the dog, lose the mandrake; posh Justin Finch-Fletchley; Republican wizards and the 20-day mandrake waiting…

Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets, Ch. 4-5: Still a better book than Twilight

This week, we discuss: awkward crushes; our favorite Lockhart books; the Hogwarts prefect at home; we’re pretty sure someone is Neville Chamberlain; how many bacon sandwiches does it take, really?; linguistic puns; Dan’s accent is broken; fabulous Lucius Malfoy; Drarry fanfic; what exactly is in Lucius’s basement; wizard race porn; adventures in sex shops; the…

Drunk Potterwatch #1: Harry Potter And The Sorcerer’s Stone

Welcome to our inaugural Drunk Potterwatch! We’ll be keeping it simple for these, which are more or less bonus episodes. No transcript, mainly because Professor Seraphine couldn’t bring herself to transcribe her own drunken ramblings. So for the brave (and possibly bored) among you, enjoy our drinky movie-length commentary!

Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone, Ch. 15: Come on, you KNOW you thought about it

This week, we discuss: more monomyth; disapproving McGonagall; positive social policing; What the Fuck, Hogwarts?!: After Hours edition; sexy My Little Ponies; virgins LOVE THEM SOME UNICORNS; magical boobs; poorly conceived Jesus metaphors; stop killing animals for their phallus parts; Apollonian vs. Dionysian philosophy and rituals; what Pentecostals and Dionysian ritual madness might have in common; why…

Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone, Ch. 11-12: That’s What She Erised

This week, we discuss: Quidditch-induced ball bruising; Snape/Filch slashfic; Lee Jordan for President; never tell Hagrid a secret; Voldemort’s eternal grudge against the Weasleys; holiday wish fulfillment; shagging in the Restricted Section; Hermione saves the world one piece of chocolate at a time; the logic of giving children priceless and powerful objects; why Dumbledore would…

Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone, Ch. 9-10: We earn every letter of NSFW

Welcome back to Advanced Muggle Studies! This episode, we discuss: obsession with surnames; why witches fly on brooms; why ONLY witches fly on brooms; lady ointment and phallic symbols; sanitizing and co-opting feminist history; What the Fuck, Hogwarts?; Oliver Wood is a hottie; Star Wars and toxic masculinity; what your Quidditch position says about YOU; why…