Cursed Child: Act 3, Part 2: Ethel, cancel this play!

We continue with the second half of Act 3! This week, we discuss: the continuing search for Hot Neville, what one could POSSIBLY DO to get expelled from this damn school, Hufflepuff murder, psychosexual flowers, making out in front of the fireplace, Delphi is a fangirl, dumbfuck prophecies, the continual injustice of Ron, magic black lights, and why Hogwarts GOTTA start teaching physics.

Act 3, Scene 10: Well, if they aren’t getting expelled, can WE?

S: All right, we gotta move. Headmistress’s Office. Finally McGonagall is yelling at everyone for being stupid, I’ll give her that. “Are you aware how stupid you’ve been?” is an actual line in this play. Thank you, that’s what we were all wondering. And my God, at least she yelled at Hermione too for keeping the stupid Time Turner in the stupid bookcase, telling her it’s “laughable.” Yes, yes it is, because Hermione, what the hell? But I have to ask, what does it take to get expelled from Hogwarts?

C: We could ask Hagrid.

S: All the shit they did and they didn’t get expelled. They’re in detention forever but they didn’t get expelled. Yeah, we know what it takes for Hagrid to get expelled, he was half-giant.

C: Frankly I think they should have been expelled.

S: They really should have. I know we’re supposed to be on their side and all, but these two should not anywhere where they can ever learn magic again, because they’re so bad with what they know already, don’t give them more.

C: Yeah, they’re terrible.

S: I appreciate that McGonagall is the only person who seems to have some kind of spine in this scene, and this little bit of dialogue did really hit home to me. It does sound like McGonagall, and it does sound like something everybody needed to hear, when she says, “You’re so young. You’re all so young. You have no idea how dark the wizarding wars got. You were – reckless – with the world some people – some very dear friends of mine and yours – sacrificed a huge amount to create and sustain.” That is in character. Thank you. Some decent writing.

C: So we know from Goblet of Fire that you can shout “Accio broomstick!” and it will come to you. So could none of them just shout “Accio timeturner?” Do they have to know where it is?

S: I think that might be part of it. You might need to know where it is, but that’s not necessarily true. I think they’ve Accio’d things when they didn’t know where they were. Maybe you have to be in range? I don’t know.

C: Once again we’re getting back to, ‘Does the wizarding world not have ways to handle stuff?’ but if you lose something, you have magic. Is there no spell that you can do and wave your wand and say “Findo!” and the thing you’re looking for will suddenly appear?

S: If that were true, Book 7 would be a hell of a lot shorter.

C: Yeah, true.

Act 3, Scene 11: Hufflepuffs are fair, Hufflepuff murder is not

S: We’re in the Slytherin dormitory. Harry has come to visit his son in his dormitory, and he’s trying to get Albus to explain what – what- why, why all of it. I mean, this is insane. Harry’s taken the map, he’s trying to tell him, ‘You know, you really terrified all of us,’ and Albus is back to being an emo DICK. “I thought Harry Potter wasn’t afraid of anything.” Harry: “Is that how I make you feel?” Albus looks at his dad, trying to figure him out. What the hell, Albus? Is it just occurring to you that your dad has feelings and emotions and cares about you? You are such a self-centered PRICK.

C: He’s just awful, ugh. And to backtrack a little bit, Albus: “I thought I could – change things. I thought Cedric – it’s unfair.” “Of course it’s unfair, Albus, don’t you think I know that?” I mean what, really, what does he think? I just – it boggles my mind.

S: You think he’s okay with Cedric dying? Like he didn’t care?

C: Yeah.

S: He was there, he had to watch the kid die, he felt like it was his fault. How can you not grasp that? Because you’re right and your parents are wrong and stupid and don’t know anything. And Albus, you’re the worst.

C: Yeah, it just – ugh. UGH.

S: And it ends with everybody not being okay. I understand that, because you’re in a really shitty play, guys.

Act 3, Scene 12: Psychosexual imaginary flowers smell of guilt

S: We’re back with Harry’s psychosexually informed dreams. He’s at a gravestone, bunch of flowers, and again, no. I’m sorry. None of this. Can we just “no” to this scene?

C: We can say no and move on, I’m fine with that.

S: Because fuck this. Harry had never been to see his parents’ grave, he didn’t know where they were, he had to look for them when he went to Godric’s Hollow in the first place, Aunt Petunia never took him to see his parents’ grave.

C: Well, he does say that in the very next scene.

S: Oh, he’s just imagining it?

C: Yeah, he says, “But I was never in Godric’s Hollow with Petunia.”

S: Yeah. And then Voldemort’s voice coming in saying, “I smell guilt. There is a stench of guilt upon the air.”

C: What does that even mean? Who is supposed to be feeling guilty about what?

S: “If you don’t want to smell guilty, try Dark Magic Moves.”

C: “Eau de Parfum.”

S: And then “Voldemort’s hand rises into the air above the Potters’ gravestone, the rest of him rises after.” Harry turns to face Voldemort and Voldemort says, “Do you still see with my eyes, Harry Potter?” No! No he fucking doesn’t because he’s not a fucking Horcrux!

Act 3, Scene 13: Episode IV: No.

S: Harry wakes up from his dream: “I was never in Godric’s Hollow,” and “He’s still here. I see Voldemort and Albus.” He says we’re all still in danger. And — my brain has pretty much given up at this point. Has yours?

C: Yeah, pretty much.

S: Okay, moving on.

Act 3, Scene 14: At least we’re grasping… something

S: Slytherin dormitory.

C: I immediately don’t buy this, because Scorpius would not be ominously leaning over Albus’s headboard. He would be next to Albus in bed.

S: Yeah, well, either way it’s an excuse for him to sneak into his bedroom. Baby steps.

“Call me Scorpius the unanxious.” Scorpius is so neurotic. He’s like a little Woody Allen.  

C: I wish I could be Professor Creed the Unanxious. That would do me a lot of good.

S: I’m sure we could find a Time-Turner and rewrite history.

C: We just have to live through the next 4 years and then everything will be magical.

S: I grant that it’s not in the stage directions, but we all know Scorpius is slowly edging his way into Albus’s bed so they can cuddle during this conversation. They’re talking about all the things that are different – him being happy to see Rose again, discovering that Scorpius himself was very different. He says, “I feel like we were all tested, and we all failed.” Albus: “The stupid thing wasn’t going back once.” No, actually, yes, that was the stupid thing. “Anyone could make that mistake.” No, just you. “The stupid thing was being arrogant to go back enough twice.” No, that was the stupider thing, correction. And then Albus: “Why was I so determined to do this? Cedric? Really?” THAT’S WHAT WE’VE ALL BEEN ASKING! “Why am I so determined to do this? I mean, really, this is a stupid-ass idea.” NO SHIT. “I have something to prove. My dad is right. He didn’t volunteer for adventure. This, it’s all my fault.” Yes. Yes it is. I can’t applaud him grasping his own stupidity enough, can you?

C: No.

S: But they are having some very touching moments here. I’m just waiting for them to kiss. It’s coming. Fireplace in the background…

C: It’s the fireplace love confession scene from Attack of the Clones! “We live in the real world, Anakin. Come back to it.”

S: Only curled up in their little 4 poster together.

C: But then we get to the point where we realize that Scorpius is just as much of a dumb fuck as Albus is, because he kept the damn Time-Turner.

Fuck you both right in the MacGuffin

S: Oh yeah. What the hell, Scorpius? WHY.

C: I thought he was slightly smarter and better, but it turns out, no, he’s not.

S: He says “The Ministry kept it before. Do you really trust them not to keep it again?” Okay, the Ministry kept it before! Who stole it? YOU DID. You are the person it is unsafe with.

C: And I’m pretty sure at this point they would lock it up somewhere better, or just destroy it and be done with it. But yeah, it’s you — the one who stole it and misused it.

S: Why do people not understand how this works? It’s called cause and effect. It’s your fault, because you did the thing.

Act 3, Scene 15: Excuse me, I happen to be a prefect

S: Slytherin dormitory. Harry, Ginny, and Craig Bowker Jr. is trying to stop Harry from going to see his kid. How do you stop a parent from going into the dormitory when they have the right to see their son?

C: I was very confused about this. Is Craig a professor or a student?

S: Student. He’s the one who was doing Scorpius’s homework.

C: So then why is he stepping up to Harry, a grown up, as a child and student, and saying you can’t come in here?

S: He’s probably Head Boy, or a prefect, trying to take charge of the dormitory. But again, Harry Potter is a parent. It’s against school covenant for parents to enter dormitories without express permission from – whom? The Headmistress, who’s right behind them?

And oh, look who’s not here? There is so much of this play left and I want these two to die already. Albus and Scorpius are gone again. And this is worse. Ginny starts to blame Harry. “What did you say to our son, Harry?”

C: He actually was really good, because he didn’t rip him a new asshole, which is exactly what I would have done.

S: Ginny says, “I can forgive you for one mistake, Harry, even two, but the more mistakes you make the harder to forgive you it becomes.”

C: Okay, but what about forgiving your dumbfuck of a son? How is all of this Harry’s fault, and not, you know, Albus’s fault for being such a fucking tool?

S: This line from Ginny, what is this?

C: I don’t care how bad Harry’s relationship with Albus is, and we know they don’t communicate well and they don’t understand each other, but all of this shit is on Albus.

Act 3, Scene 16: Quoth the Augurey, “You are all dumb as fuck.”

S: In the Owlery, they’re trying to destroy the Time Turner. Why are they doing this in the owlery? They’re trying Confringo or Expulso. Confringo catches things on fire, Expulso is explosive, Bombarda is fairly explosive, Stupefy is a Stunning spell.

C: Also a song by Disturbed, which is the sort of thing Albus would listen to.

S: Scorpius: “Many underestimate the right spell, but this really matters.” No. If we’ve learned anything from the series, it’s not about the spell you use, it’s about who performs it. So no, you’re wrong, please move on.

C: You probably have the answer for this — does it have to be destroyed magically? Why can’t you just smash it?

S: I don’t know why you couldn’t necessarily. It’s not a Horcrux that has to be destroyed beyond complete repair. The ones at the Ministry were just smashed. So why couldn’t you just take a hammer to it? This is why wizards are stupid, because they get lazy thinking about magic and forget that there are things like hand tools in the world. This is a bad place to do it, too. You’re going to catch the place on fire and burn thousands of innocent birds to death. But I suppose it’s fitting that they’re in the Owlery, because look who just showed up?

C: Delphi!

S: I’m sure for totally innocent reasons!

C: The reason for that — because Albus continues to be a massive dumbfuck —

S: And sent her an owl to let her know what they were doing.

C: And at what point in all of this were he and Scorpius not together? They have this discussion, split up for some reason and Albus has the time to send her an owl, and she gets it in time to get to Hogwarts? We know she didn’t Floo network in. You can’t Apparate onto Hogwarts grounds. So how the fuck did she get there so quickly?

S: Maybe she’s been hanging out in the Forbidden Forest all this time.

C: Maybe she’s been in the lake! Everybody else is in the lake.

S: The lake is the happening place to be. So they tell Delphi they can’t risk going back, can’t save her cousin. Then Albus fucks up even more and explains: “Imagine the worst possible world and then double it. People being tortured, dementors everywhere, a despotic Voldemort, my dad dead, me never born. We can’t allow that to happen.” Delphi: “OMG my dream world.” Because she is thrilled with the notion of Voldemort alive. And at first she starts to say we’ll destroy it, I understand, and she takes the Time Turner and we see the thing we should have seen the whole time — the Augurey tattoo on the back of her neck.

C: Which is not a very good place to hide a tattoo.

S: How did you not see it this whole time? Oh, they were staring at her boobs.

C: Which she basically says later on, which I think is funny.

S: She gives the not-at-all sinister explanation of an Augurey in the magical world — it’s a bird that would cry when rain was coming, and people used to believe that the cry foretold death. “When I was growing up my guardian kept one in a cage. She used to say it was crying because it could see I was going to come to a sticky end.” Euphemia Rowle — Rowle was a Death Eater, so… yay.

C: I guess this goes back to Albus being an idiot and not knowing anything, and Scorpius being this generation’s version of Hermione — you say the name Rowle, and that means nothing to Albus. Scorpius is like, “Oh, shit.”  If people know what fucking Lily Potter’s Patronus was, and that Snape was secretly in love with her, everybody and their dog is going to know who the fucking Death Eaters were.

S: Your dad is an Auror! Even if you tried to ignore him for the entirety of your life, you would have picked up on that. And then of course, Scorpius finally puts two and two together: “I don’t believe you were ever ill. Why didn’t you come to Hogwarts?” “They called you the Augurey in the other world.” She likes that. Fights them off, takes the Time Turner, binds them both, and says “I am the new past, I am the new future.” She snaps both their wands, and now she has the Time-Turner.

C: Well, they definitely deserved to have their wands snapped.

S: They should have been expelled and had them snapped already. I’m curious exactly how influential she was at this point. We’ve seen Hermione and Harry talking about people with these tattoos in different parts fo the world. How has she already had influence that far reaching already?

C: Ad nauseum, it doesn’t make sense.

Act 3, Scene 17: Episode V: The No Strikes Back

S: Ministry of Magic, Hermione’s office. Ron is sitting on Hermione’s desk, eating porridge. You’re right — nothing makes sense. Are they just fucking with us at this point ?

C: Is this morning? Is he having breakfast?

S: They’re sitting and talking about not being married in other timelines, and Ron decides he wants to renew their vows, and —

C: It’s sweet, and then it gets slightly less sweet.

S: Then it gets really insulting! “We were really young when we did it the first time, and I got very drunk, and to be honest, I can’t remember much of it.”


C: I agree. By the time that Ron and Hermione were having their big grand kiss in the last book, they were both all in and ready to go. He would not have had to be drunk for their wedding. Yeah, I get that it’s supposed to be Ron in his insecurity, so on and so forth. He still would not have been drunk at their wedding.

S: No, he wouldn’t and whatever insecurity he had at that point would be pretty much gone, because Hermione loves him.

C: The most clever witch of their age loves him, and sees value in him.

S: He would never be drunk at their wedding. She means the world to him. He would never do that to Hermione.

C: Agreed.

S: Fundamental lack of understanding of characterization. I feel like I should just say that over and over and over. But I guess that’s supposed to be cute. Even though you just insulted all of our intelligence.

Harry, Ginny, and Draco show up — the dreams are starting again, Albus is missing again, Scorpius is missing again. I feel like we’re going in circles here. And Ron says he saw Albus last night, and it’s okay. Does Ron have a drinking problem? He’s having drinks with Neville in Hogsmeade. Also — WHY DIDN’T WE GET TO SEE NEVILLE? What the hell, people? I want to see Neville!


But I have to say I love the fact that Ron and Neville hang out in their free time. I love that Ron is like, “Hey, I’m going to go hang with Neville and have drinks in Hogsmeade.”

They believe Albus has an “older girlfriend with gorgeous silver hair.” Saw them “on the roof together near the Owlery.” With Scorpius playing gooseberry, or third wheel. “Nice to see my love potion being used well, I thought.” WHAT??

C: Once again, I have problems with this. 1, does he not know his nephew well enough? I guess he does know and that’s why he immediately assumes love potion, because there’s no way Albus could get a chick on his own.

But where was he walking? Where is the Owlery? Hogwarts and Hogsmeade aren’t the same place. Why was he walking by Hogwarts, and why would he have seen them there?

S: It says they were coming back, so he was with Neville in Hogsmeade and I guess walking back with him to Hogwarts. And they were trying to figure out which Floo network to take.

C: Why wouldn’t both of them just have used the Floo network from The Hog’s Head or wherever they were?

S: Or why wouldn’t he walk Neville back up to Hogwarts, step outside the school grounds and Apparate home?

C: None of this makes any sense.

S: And none of that necessitates the fact that they would be anywhere near the Owlery, and drunk, be able to see all three of them on a roof, remember that the girl’s hair color is silver and blue, and notice that Scorpius is up there playing third wheel. You told us to give Ron no credit, and now we’re supposed to give him credit for being all knowing and omniscient?

C: For having great eyesight and a great mind for detail when drunk?

S: And again, we’re back to “Oh, crap.” And Hermione gets a great line: “Ethel, cancel the goblins!” I feel like I should have an opportunity in my life at some point to say that.

Act 3, Scene 18: Are we not doing phrasing anymore?

S: Back at St. Oswald’s, a place which terrifies me. Harry walks in with Draco and – Amos, what the fuck? “I used your son? No sir, you used my beautiful son.” Neither of which are true!

C: That would be the disturbing part of the porn parody.

S: Now everybody’s putting it together, but Amos has no idea where they are, and he doesn’t have a niece. So obviously she’s been using the Imperius Curse or something on him the whole time, making him think she was his caretaker, but like he said, “I never had any brothers or sisters, and neither did my wife.” So, hmmm. We have this ominously named young woman who is not related to me at all. We are fucked.

Act 3, Scene 19: Today’s prophecy was brought to you by the letter “No.”

S: On the Quidditch pitch. “We open on Delphi, enjoying every second of her changed identity. Where there was discomfort and insecurity, now there’s just power.”

C: Unlimited powah!

S: At least we’re done with bargain bin Tonks. I prefer this version of Delphi. So they’re on the pitch, which is where the maze was during the Triwizard. Now that Delphi knows that humiliating Cedric will bring about the end she so ardently desires, she’s like, okay, that was a trial run, we’re going to do this for well.

C: Okay, wait. They’re on Hogwarts grounds. Harry used the map to find them before when they were going back in time in the lake. Does nobody think to check the map again?

S: Harry says he had taken it and locked it up, so he probably doesn’t have it on him. And no one thinks in this play, unless it’s profoundly contrived so you can have a payoff in a later scene. So they want to go back. She wants Voldemort back, basically.

BECAUSE I WANT….YOU….BACK (dun dun dun dun)

She was going to Imperius the boys, but then talks about there being a prophecy?

C: Whose prophecy?

S: Where did the prophecy come from? How did we even get to this point, where we’re just randomly inserting prophecies into this plot?

C: Those Seers were supposed to be really rare. Wasn’t Trelawney one of the only ones, if not maybe the only one, around at that time?

S: One of a few. And she had only made 2 real predictions in her entire life.

But Delphi knows what she’s doing. She knows what she’s here for. She knows she’s in a porn parody in disguise. She decides to get a little S&M and starts Crucio-ing Scorpius so Albus will do what she wants.

C: Sexy.

S: Very. And then here comes Craig! To save the day.

C: Poor Craig.

S: Craig gets to be the spare now, because Delphi Avada Kedavra’s him.

C: You know, this would have a lot more impact if Craig hadn’t shown up for the first time in the beginning of this Act and wasn’t some completely random person that we don’t give a shit about.

S: She says that she needed to discover Albus’s weakness, which is friendship, and he’ll do exactly as he’s told otherwise Scorpius will die. And Voldemort will return, and the Augurey will sit at his side.

And this is the prophecy: “When spares are spared, when time is turned, when unseen children murder their fathers, then will the Dark Lord return.”

Fuck this. I’m out.

C: This is a dumb prophecy.

S: Dumbest prophecy I’ve ever read. I can’t with this. I’m having to steel myself for the rest of this.

Act 3, Scene 19: And now, for a moment of sexy decency

S: They go back in time, we’re back in the Triwizard maze. Ludo Bagman continues being the most annoying person.

C: Although the French cheer this time.

S: Now they’re trying to figure out where Cedric is. They’re having to fight off hedges. They move through the maze, and Albus and Scorpius are trying to figure out what the hell they’re going to do here. Albus thinks, maybe we can run down the clock and the Time Turner will move us forward. Scorpius doesn’t think that will work. Then they start running, trying to get away from her, which doesn’t work because she’s flying without a broom. Because we are at the Force lightning stage of this story.

Delphi comes in to talk prophecy again, and Scorpius tries to logic his way through it: “If the prophecy is inevitable, why are we trying to influence it? Your actions contradict your thoughts. By that logic prophecies can be broken / prevented.” Delphi: “Crucio.”

How dare you point out logic?

C: In this play about illogical things.

S: Crucio’s Scorpius again. You notice how Scorpius is the only one who keeps getting Crucio’ed?

C: I just appreciate that he is the one who is like, No, Albus, we are going to have to die. And Albus is just like, “Uh, uh, no, maybe we can do this, maybe we can do that.” No. You’re going to have to die and we’re going to have to be okay with it, because we done fucked shit up too much.

S: At least Albus finally recognizes it, when Delphi says “You will die.” And he says “Yes, we will do so gladly knowing that it has stopped you.” Although there’s no guarantee of that either. She might still be able to pull it off if you’re dead. So that’s not great.

Anyway, Delphi’s wand is suddenly Expelliarmus’ed away from her, and Delphi is bound, and oh look who it is! It’s RPATZ!


I am enjoying picturing him in this scene. Poor Cedric. He thinks they’re part of the maze. “Do I have to defeat you? What’s the deal?” They’re like, “No, you just have to free us. That’s the task.” Okay, fine.

C: This is just so funny. This kid in this scene is not the kind of kid who would be like, “Oh, I got embarrassed. I’m gonna go be a Death Eater now.”

S: This Cedric is in line with the real Cedric, and what they did to Cedric is not. And I do like this moment — it’s touching. But it’s only touching because I actually care about Cedric Diggory, not because I care about Albus and Scorpius.

Cedric frees them, and asks, “Can I go on? Can I finish the maze?” And the boys look at him and they know what that answer means. And they tell him, “I’m afraid you have to finish the maze.” He says, “Okay, I’m going.” Albus stops him to tell him, “Your dad loves you very much, and thought you should know that.” Cedric: “Um, okay, thanks.”

It’s fan service-y, but that moment where they tell him he has to go on got to me, and I think it’s because I care about Cedric’s character. That moment where you realize what that has to mean for him — that reached me. None of this other shit does, but that did. Should I just start calling it Potter, since Potter = shit in this timeline?

Delphi behind them “creeps into movement. She crawls along the ground.” I am picturing a full on Exorcist spider crawl here.

C: This is what I don’t understand. And I guess this is all set up for this specific moment, but why aren’t we just doing Petrificus Totalus? That’s what Hermione uses in Book 1 on Neville, and doesn’t Malfoy do that to Harry? Isn’t that what Dumbledore does to him?

S: You can’t break out of it. Someone has to release you.

C: So everybody in this entire play does this Brachiobendo thing, when they should be doing Petrificus Totalus. And I guess they do it to set up this moment where she can still move — but it’s still dumb.

S: Yeah, because to actually stop her would be way too efficient.

C: There’s a whole other act to go! Aren’t you excited?

S: I’m about to curl up in a ball in a corner and cry. And I never thought that I would say that I would rather watch the Goblet of Fire movie right now than do this. This is AWFUL. And I hate that movie! It pains me to watch it.

Pretty much how I look after watching “Goblet of Fire,” if I’m honest

Act 3, Scene 20: Christ, Hogwarts, TEACH PHYSICS

S: She’s got the Time Turner, which starts turning, then time stops, “turns over, thinks a bit and begins to spool backward, and speeds up. So did they Time-Turn again?

C: Why doesn’t it shoot them back into the future? Why is it suddenly behaving differently than it has for the rest of this play?

S: She says “What makes you honestly think that you have stopped me? I’m going to try something new.” And she does the thing that NO ONE thinks to have done this entire play, which is to crush the Time Turner!

C: I thought of it!

S: Apparently it was an incredibly efficient way to destroy it. So now they’re stuck. In time. And it seems like they have gone back — or forward — in time more. The Time Turner started doing something, and they don’t know where they are but they know they need to stop her.

Act 3, Scene 21: Episode VI: Return of the No

S: Back at St. Oswald’s Home of Awfulness. They realize she must have been Confunding Amos. At least Draco has the thought to use Specialis Revelio, in case there’s something in this room we might need to pay attention to.

C: This is what they should have used to try to find the Time Turner earlier. Maybe it would have flown out of someone’s pocket and we could have ended this a few scenes earlier.

S: So they think there might be something behind panels or doors. Ginny unscrews a chimney from an oil lamp, there’s a breathing out noise and hissing words, which Harry understands because it’s Parseltongue. And he hasn’t been able to understand Parseltongue since Voldemort died.

C: At least he’s acknowledging that.

S: And he still wouldn’t be able to understand it, even if Voldemort was alive again, because he’s not a Horcrux! Anyway. “Welcome, Augurey.” Harry tells it to open in a total Chamber of Secrets move. “The room transforms around them, becoming darker and more desperate. A writhing mass of painted snakes emerges on all the walls, and on them written in fluorescent paint, a prophecy.”

C: What did she do to this room? What did St. Oswald’s use to be that — I mean, it’s not like Hogwarts where it’s so fucking old that there actually is a chamber that people have forgotten about. What did she do to this room? What did she unlock that it becomes “darker and more desperate” – what the fuck does that mean? Did the bulb get switched out for a black light?

S: Yeah, it’s the magical equivalent of a black light. It’s a new prophecy, and the worst prophecy ever that the most obvious fan fiction writer could come up with. And this kind of intellectual laziness makes me sick.

C: Oh, god, this line from Ron. “When time is turned — she has that Time Turner, doesn’t she?” Well, what the fuck else would it mean you guys?

S: How smart do you have to be to figure this out? It’s literally written on a fucking wall! They’re not even smart enough to figure this out. THE ANSWER IS ON THE WALL. That’s how they solved it. It’s written on the wall! “I will rebirth the dark. I will bring my father back.” That’s like the Joker with “damaged” tattooed on his forehead. It’s right there! You don’t even have to think about it.

I mean, if we’re really going to go this route….

I’m banging my head on the desk right now.

C: Also, why would she have painted that on her wall or ceiling?

S: This is the same problem I have with stupid Jared Leto’s Joker in Suicide Squad. Why would he have tattooed himself all over with “HAHAHAHAHA.” Who takes the time to do that?

C: Ugggghhhhhhhhh.

S: That is exactly right. So those rumors about Voldemort’s kid were true. Except he had a daughter, not a son. Which is still preposterous, and I still don’t buy it, and I still think it’s the dumbest plot point I’ve encountered thus far. But thankfully, that is the end of Act 3.

C: Oh my god. I just — praise Jesus we only have one act of this left.

S: I feel like this is making me unreasonably angry.

C: I just don’t understand so much of it. And we’re back to the point we’ve hit over and over again, which is – it’s got to be great when you’re seeing it on stage, I’m sure the actors are great and the effects are great, and you’re along for the ride not thinking about it. But when you have the opportunity to sit down and read it closely, you realize how nonsensical so much of it is.

S: And it doesn’t take that close of a reading. And it doesn’t even take that deep of a knowledge of the original story. I grant you – I’m a pedantic when it comes to Harry Potter, and the details of the original story and the consistency of the storyline, and if you can’t figure out a way to keep your cohesive story working and be faithful to the original plot points and characters, then I don’t really have a lot of time for you. But even someone who’s not as ridiculous as I am about it would notice these things. Even a casual reader would notice this.

C: Someone like me, for example. I feel like it’s going to take us forever to get through this next act, I’m sure. But I have so many thoughts about Delphi, and the giants in the Greek sea with their tattoos and all those dark creatures she’s been marshaling – where the fuck are they at this point? Who knows? Still stuck in the Greek seas, I guess. They’re not helping their leader at Hogwarts. Did Voldemort really have a daughter? Is this really his daughter? I am not totally dead set against the idea of him having offspring. I think it’s a little unusual, but for me that would not necessarily be a deal breaker depending on the particulars. So we’ll have to wait and see. I don’t have a lot of faith based on the first 3 acts, but we’ll have to see if I can maybe be okay with it.

S: I feel like benefit of the doubt is a lost cause at this point, but we have to try. Hopefully, you will be very interested, or at least entertained, by all the things we have to say on that, because I’m sure you’ve learned by now, we always have a lot of them.

C: If you’re in this far…

S: Anyway, thank you for listening and reading. I hope we get some comments — I would love to get feedback on this. Always interested to hear different viewpoints on this. And if we’ve insulted something that you liked about the play I’d love to hear about it.

C: Maybe a positive take.

S: Positive takes are good! Maybe there’s something good here I’m just not seeing. So we’ll be back next week with Act 4 of Harry Potter and the Cursed Child, which I’m starting to realize is really about all of us who have to read this. But until then, I am Professor Seraphine —

C: I am Professor Creed —

S: And we’ll see you next time on Advanced Muggle Studies!


2 Comments Add yours

  1. Carrie says:

    Sure, Cursed Child, Voldemort no longer has a nose, but his wedding tackle is fully intact. I buy it.


    1. AMAZING. Thank you for this. I didn’t even think about the physical toll of excess Horcrux-ing, as evidenced by his appearance, affecting his…er… ability to Slytherin. (Oh, bad pun. I know.)

      Great observation, and thanks for sharing it!

      — Prof. Seraphine


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